MIXED FEELINGS.

 Life is a mystery, well, I mean, most times, we all try to be better, to figure life out, but we make mistakes that can cost us everything we are trying to build. At times, I think I enjoy being sad coz this is the only emotion I am so familiar with, and I think I forgot why I am sad anymore. At times, I just feel like the weight of the world is crushing me; it's just pulling me further away from reality, and I can even see the ropes or the chains to set myself free. At times, I feel like the flower on the wall, people never notice the fake smiles of the forced laughs, or maybe I just have a different sense of humour. I think I lie so much that I am fine with it, but there is this hollow space left inside that keeps me sad even when I am happy. I wish I understood what happiness really is; all I know is that it's a foreign emotion for me. I just enjoy being sad because sadness leaves no room for disappointment, as happiness would, and I like the safety of this. Am worried about a lot of things, but I have already built an image of strength that, if I break down, people would see nothing much of it; that's just a game. I have so many emotions to share, but no one would listen to me. Well, I'm the real definition of an island. I am a pillar to so many, yet I can never share what I really feel other than my laptop and me. I have nothing else. At times, I think that I am not sad, maybe I am just pretending to myself, maybe I am doing this to myself. We have people in the world suffering more than me but they seem to be happy, so why can't I just be happy?

I feel so scared of losing the friendships I have built, but what if we just fall apart? Maybe I'm not such a good friend, and I feel so bad (this was just a passing thought, though)

The hardest thing I’ve been doing lately is telling myself the honest truth, the truth that people I value have hurt me, and they have the power to and the image of them in my mind that they are perfect people isn’t true, and that people you love can and will hurt, but this doesn’t make them bad people, they are just like me. I feel have so many wound that I have ignore for so long that I lost the road mad to them and now when am tracing the cause of my pain I can find them and am afraid one day I will snap and when I do,,,,,, 

this are just my unorganized thoughts and me getting ready to smile tomorrow while I keeping fading( die would be a depressing word to use)

 goodnight and good morning