LETTING GO

I could see the pain in their eyes I could hear their muffled screams, I saw how they needed to be rescued but I couldn’t move my hands didn’t stretch to pull them out my feet didn’t move closer to help them up it was as if I was numb only my eyes and ears were open I could see and hear them I could almost taste the bitter feeling of their fear but I just could move I wanted them to feel it to be then ones afraid to leave I was not gong to be their savior!  am I the monster they molded me to become?  I might not be an angel but I couldn’t watch them drown in this darkness that consumed the life and left you hallow but the moment I took the step closer to them the memories of their betrayal their brutal cruelty came rushing into my mind and the pain was fresh I had gone back to the moment they shattered me and watched me bleed out maybe they deserved this pain maybe I could let them be me for once. I wanted them to understand what it felt like when pain embraced every part of you, when you begin living in a constant struggle, when breathing become more of a luxury for you, I wanted their pain to heal my wounds I wanted their screams to be louder than mine I wished for them to stay in that hole longer.

 But they were pleading and wailing for my help like I begged for their but never got it I can walk away I can leave and never come back. Monsters they were and me letting them die of the tightness in their chest caused by pain was validated! I was allowed my revenge! it was my right! I turned my back ready to walk away but something was pulling me back, something was holding my feet in place. I knew what it was but I will not accept! I will not allow it they deserved this they were supposed to feel the pain, why should they be set free this? This was their punishment! No, I will not be their savior, I will not rescue their soul.  My feet though heavy begun to move but the voice was loud FORGIVE, LET THEM UP, FREE THEM FROM THEIR CHAINS no! no! no! I cannot do this, I will not do! This why are they getting it easier, I will not, I cannot, this was not fair. FORGIVE, LET THEM UP, FREE THEM FROM THEIR CHAINS please don’t make me I cannot handle it but I turned I walked to the hole and with my hand shaky, my heart was in turmoil but one by one I let them all up, thought that my pain would all fade but it was still there. The next day I was back and it begun all over again the pain was back why? Why? was it back I left it yesterday I can’t do this again and still I did I thought it was a onetime thing  but it happened again and again till the pain begun to become bearable and I could live without it holding me down the vengeance had begun to stop been dominant it was dying slowly. Forgiveness, it was not and instant pain revealer it was an every day choice it was a journey a hard one but still the relief it brought was one of a kind

MY BEAUTY

 WHAT A BEAUTY

Nature is my safe place when the trees sway and the birds chirp the sound of water in a river crashing against rocks. It’s a beauty one that can’t be beat. I love the flowers of the valley and  when it rains and I see a rainbow I get my hope renewed. Something refreshing more than water it refreshes my soul and calms my heart beat. My delight is in the peace I get when I stare at the stars at night and the beauty of the sky knocks air out of my lungs when I stare at the water in the ocean and the color gives me butterflies the beauty around me never stops. The music, I hear day and night and the goddess of the sky at night the moon calls my name. When the wind blows and the cloud align along the sky and I feel like I grew wings. I think am in love am in love with  this beauty that was handed to me by the generation before me am in love with this beauty one that calms this raging storm within me this beauty whose beauty never fades. But when I heard the tears of anguish that come out of her, the pain I caused when I look at the damage, I brought I think I don’t deserve this beauty that gives and never takes but now I made her vengeful and now she has become the storm she protected me from, the storm that I feared to the bones. She now takes and never gives; I brought this upon myself I made her this heartless I scorned her soul and left it empty but still I take, still I burn her. She’s trying to save herself but I tasted her treasure once and I want more maybe I can take a little more I don’t care about the scares am burning into her she’s been giving for generations before mine she can give a little more. I stared at my beauty as her beauty fade as the life in her eyes dies now all I see is this hallow shadow of the beauty I knew. She burns, she drowns and she takes with no remorse. She’s engraving the pain she has felt all these years in me the fear of loosing her life she burning into my existence. The love she had for me is now replaced by vengefulness. I lost the love I cherished most. Maybe I can make this right maybe I can win her back bring back the life she one shared with me I miss my love. I pray I get my love back I pray I win her love again I pray she not too far gone.

 

NATURE IS A GIFT NOT A RIGHT TREAT OUR ENVIRONMENT RIGHT.

BRIAN`S WONDER

 Sometimes I think about DEATH I wonder about it. I’ve never really felt the pain of it never lost anyone I loved dearly I have been around people who have face it. People who have lost who they are after one visit from this unwanted guest I wonder a lot about it. I have seen the devastation it leaves people with maybe am just too curious they said curiosity killed the cat and if you play with fire, you might get burned sometimes, I wonder how this people feel the anguish they are going through no one can understand the pain of another we might go through the same situation but pain varies with the person facing the pain. How much has the person been exposed to before?  is the person a regular to the company of pain or is it there first time? is this person facing pain alone or does the person have a support system? was the person raised t have emotional intelligence or were they raised to be afraid of their emotions to hide or shy away from them? I wonder all about this. I wonder how peoples pain feel, how different is it from my own pain I wonder.

 People always focus on the hurt the pain not the JOYS the HAPPINESS or the FULFILLMENT part the moment when your chest bust out from it cages. I have never been in the extreme ends of my emotion I think I always kinda have a balance between the two emotions. I think emotions control us all whether we like it or not thy do does an activity make you feel happy or sad accomplished or does it make u feel like a failure you know.

Sometimes I feel like I missed out in life like am in a completely different bubble from the other people in the world. But I try to make most of it at times . 

😔😔